The Secret Life of a Twenty Something Fat Girl...

When I read this on One-Twenty-Five's blog, it hit so close to home I had to repost it. I'm still trying to shed these thoughts/characteristics as I shed the pounds.

• she’ll tell the sales assistant she doesn’t need help looking for a size, “I’m just browsing,” because she doesn’t want to say XL or size 18


• she believes all other people see is her weight and everyone thinks she’s lazy


• the thought of people describing her to someone, is one of her biggest fears, “you know who… the fat girl”


• she’ll eat more when her mom suggests she eats less. she doesn’t know why this is


• she’ll lay in bed at night and grab her stomach and wish deeply it would disappear.


• she’ll feel like such a failure working hard everyday to change her body, yet nothing ever changes


• she’ll always be the one with the camera at parties, that way she can delete all the ‘fat photos’


• her tagged photos are private on facebook, because what if someone tags a fat photo of her, and she’s not there to delete it?


• she is convinced he does not like her because of her weight


• she will have a good day or a bad day depending on the scale


• she waits for everyone to leave the jean area, so she can crouch down and look for the biggest ones at the bottom


• she constantly envies skinny girls and wishes she could be one


• she’ll wear long hoodies to cover the fat spilling over her jeans


• she’ll swear to herself everynight, “tomorrow will be different” but she’s already thinking about breakfast


• she’ll claim she doesn’t want to go to the school dance, but she does, she just doesn’t think she’ll be able to find a dress that fits


• she’ll stare at herself in the mirror, in her underwear, and wonder what it’s like to be skinny. always sucking in her hardest.


• she’ll be consumed with thoughts of the warm bread on the table, fighting the urge to reach for it, pretending to listen to her friend’s story, but all she can think about is the bread


• she is obsessed with having pretty hair and perfect skin to at least be, ‘the fat girl with a pretty face,’ or better yet, maybe she can trick people.


• she’ll know every trick in the book to hide her lumps with the right clothes and how to angle her body for photos


• She'll miss out on all the fun shopping trips with her girlfriends because she would just die if they found out her size


• she’ll fake not caring, never show her weakness, even ordering anything but salads to show she doesn’t care. but she does.


• she sneaks food the whole time, but then wonders why her diet isn’t working


• after a few pounds lost, she’ll be naive and think losing weight is easy, she now knows how and then she’ll reward herself with food


• she’ll “accidentally” forget her bathing suit for the lake


• she’ll lie and tell her friends she can’t afford the march break trip, because of the whole bathing-suit-in-front-of-people-thing


• she’ll wonder how different her life would have been, had she been skinny


• she thinks of being overweight as having something wrong with her. and thus accepting herself is failing

It is the best feeling in the world for these thoughts/feelings to disappear from my mind. However, it's scary to think that no matter how much weight I lose, I may always have these thoughts going through my head. I feel for anyone else that shares these same feelings. It's like being a prisoner in your own life. I wish I would have made healthy lifestyle changes a long time ago, because no food is worth having these feelings.

~Laci